I been able to do a lot of things I really like doing lately. I learned how to do wire work with my sister and helped her with her wedding, I spent time with my boyfriend just chilling out and vegging in front of the TV. (Seriously, not something I do… like ever.) even took a boat out to the channel entrance and sat under the stars one night and playing tag with a dolphin. I have been doing a lot of sewing and writing and went to see a play with some friends, and many other things, that I have put off for way to long.
I have just been so happy and having such a great time, that I had to wonder, why don’t I do these things anymore? Why am I always so tired and stressed out? Be cause I’m an idiot. That is why. I push my self way to hard, way to far and have so for way to long. It was easy at first. I was filling void. Still am. Trying to prove myself to people who will never pay enough attention to anything I do to notice anyway. Trying to prove that even though I can’t work I’m not completely worthless. I realize this now. something I should bring up with my therapist I guess.
Being happy came as a complete surprise. I haven’t been in a long long time. I was content with that version of “normalcy” though so its never been an issue… till now. I am really lucky to have such great friends and wonderful people surrounding me at this point in my life. And I know like all things this moment cant last forever and I dont want to miss out on this place in time because I was to busy trying to save the world/myself, all the while waiting for the other shoe to drop… Because something bad always happens….
I need to start learning the meaning of no, and really exercising that.
What No means to me:
“I have looked at my calender and decided I just cant do it right now.”
“If there is someone else that can do this, then that is a good idea. I dont have to do it all.”
What No doesn’t mean to me:
“I would do this, but I just dont care.”
” I would do this, If someone else asked, but I dont like or trust you so… NO.”
I really need to find my balance. I had it for a while, but the scales are tipping favorably in new directions for me and it is time to really decide what the next few years will mean for me. I am pretty excited about that. And I hope desperately to not screw it up with scheduling conflicts! I want to spend many more nights looking at the stars and just, “Be Happy.”