Dont Put It Off

Whats in store for you?

What kind of plans do you have for this year? this week? tomorrow?

Do you really think you are in control of your life?

Your not.

Dont put off the important things. Dont hesitate and stall on important decisions.
You may not have another day, to think it over.

You know what is the right thing to do. You feel that inside of you.

Your instincts are your guide to your life, use them.

Don’t wallow in self pitty, and in despair. You have a choice….  make it.

No one plans to die today.
But then when you do, what kind of life have you left behind you?
Make it something you are happy to have lived. Not happy to have left.

My Mother Hates My Uterus.

 

Its that time of year again when all the Christmas cards come rolling in with the General “this is what happened this year” letter. Happily Unlike Saturday Night Live, No ones letter was written from their dead cats. ew!
Tonight though my Mother got a letter from he BFF from High School, (yes weirdly they still talk) And She was Blessed with 3 new Grandchildren this year. At this point of time as my Mom is reading this letter out loud to all of us, I get the over the shoulder LOOK. Yeah, you know the one…. The one that says you are making me look bad in front of my friends look. Perhaps everyone in Iowa is under the suspicion that I am secretly chasing skirts? I am not sure. The whole situation was less than pleasant. lol.
Clearly in Ohio it is completely ODD and out of place to not have 3 kids by the time you are 20 years old… But Now this year I will be 32, And have no screaming little monsters to show for it. Not for lack of trying mind you…  But considering the situation our country has fallen into I can almost count myself lucky really. But I am thinking in the world of Grandma’s that is no excuse.
I guess we will see how this year unfold… Perhaps I will be kind enough to hook her up with the bragging right for Christmas Cards of the future.
(But only if she agrees to babysit for me. Give and take Mom… Give and take…)

Aliens

Ok and once again it is like 6 in the morning and the whole world suddenly seems completely obvious to me. And it all has to do with math…

So here is how it really happened.

How we really came to be as we are today.

A kajillion years ago or whatever we were just a peaceful people running around here on our cute little planet of ours. We were artist we drew on rocks and sides of mountains. Giant freaking spiders and monkeys and stuff…..

Then one day, they came.

Freaking aliens.

Aliens as you know are freaking brilliant with their cool space ships and science and math related life styles, flying all over the universe getting in other people business all the time. Well one day these super nerds were out cruisin getting high on some kind of wacked out galactic ganja and they thought, ( I say thought obviously because they don’t have to speak with their telepathy and all) “Hey man, lets go mess with the Earth dudes! What a great idea!” So they came down here and introduced us to Freaking ALGEBRA, which really if their parents knew, could have got them all grounded and the keys of the shuttle craft taken away for at least a week…. anyway they taught us this crap forever screwing with our heads and lives. Hell most of it they made up. Like the number eight. It isn’t real at all. They just said look here if it is facing this way …..8…..

it means this many..,IIIIIIII…. now if you flip it over sideways it means forever…!!!!!!!

(Seriously only a  hippie space stoner would come up with that crap.)

So now here we are a jillion or so years later, using technology based on nonsense. The only reason it even works is because aliens probably couldn’t mess it up if they tried. And as a result of our new found knowledge we have spent years and years and years messing up our planet. The aliens are looking down at us thinking oh my OMG WTH? (again they are thinking this cuz they don’t have to talk)

And because we were dumb enough to fall for their tricks so long ago, we have in fact made ourselves less intelligent. By far…….

We as the human race are the kids who eat universal paste.

And that is pretty SAD.

Cosmically Retarded.

Cosmically Retarded.

Aquarius

We are great advice for everyone else but cant seem to rule ourselves you know? nor do we listen to anyone else either… so all ya can do is wait and save up energy till you have to pick up pieces for us once again. that is the best way to deal with people like me  because we are cosmically retarded…. lol.

ZOMBIES!!!!!

Zombies man…..

I ‘ll tell ya what when they freakin get here and eat your brains,

DON”T COME CRYIN TO ME.

If you are one of the privileged who know me, Then you know nothing freaks me out more than freakin zombies. creepy creepy CREEPY. I no longer think that it is irrational for me to believe that someday, some dead dude is gonna try to eat my fragile brain. No ketchup. No mayo. No pickle. Now, everyone who is like OMG here we go again, KEEP IN MIND my shrink totally told me that it wasn’t impossible and that it could happen.

MY SHRINK SAID IT COULD HAPPEN SO THAT MAKES IT RIGHT!

HA! She has a like degrees and stuff, and a desk and an office  and pills…………. so of course she must know something. Like perhaps I will be tastier than you guys due to my lack of Hypocretin. All the rest of you “NORMY’S”  will at least need a little salt.  So I’m probably more at risk than everyone else. OR…….   It could be the other way around.

So I have joined this super awesome sleeping fan club called narcolepsy right?  ( you get like a cool night light, and a free T-shirt that says “I’m not sleeping, you bore me” when you join. There is also the perks of falling down all the time, and drugless halucinations. Which to all you acid heads out there, are the best kind. You can’t beat what your mind wants to come up with all by its little self!) Anyway….. My point…..

THE FUDDER MUCKIN ZOMBIE TRAIN      .:::shudders:::

You don’t even know. Of course not. I haven’t told you yet. But imagine waking up to a phone call from your best friend and as soon as you get off the phone…..there it is. That noise. That chugga chugga chugga noise that happens when trains go by, accompanied by the sound of ……zombies. And of course thats what they are… Seriously. What else could it be?  And suddenly you realize somewhere off in the distance they have herded up all the zombies and packed them in like Jews in Germany. (God rest their souls…….And please don’t let them eat me………)  I of course am in a freakin panic by this time.  PANIC. I’m thinking, my God.  Little Red is on her way over I have to save her…..  So I get up and turn off the fan and turn down the TV. So I can use my super powers to hear if they are tearing at my doors or not, and I sit close to the window watching for her car.

Outside there is a strange blue hazy color to the night sky, which is a dead freakin give away that zombies are near, by the way, And Red pulls up along the curb. I had told her I would leave the door unlocked for her but how could I?  That was an incredibly bad judgment on my part, a mistake I won’t ever make again. I watch as she walks up the sidewalk and then I run downstairs to open the door for her.  She of course has NO IDEA what kind of danger she is in and stops right there on the porch to get into her pocket or purse or something. (not exactly sure due to the fact I was scanning the neighborhood for the undead.) I motion her to come in quickly and shut and locked the door behind us. She was like “what’s wrong?” And then I told her…

FREAKIN ZOMBIES.

Now.
Try that instead of drugs kids.  The RUSH is unbelievable. This isn’t a dream, it was real.
(As in my mental state of mind directly following a hypnopompic hallucination kind of real.)

I couldn’t make this up If I tried………